She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
