if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
