What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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