you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
