Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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