when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
