then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
