I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
