I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
