I just threw up on my dentist
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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