Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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