I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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