I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
