our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
