Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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