Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
