Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
