I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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