it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
