You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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