don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
