the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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