i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
