We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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