Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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