Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
