Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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