then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Do you remember whose house we're in?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
