We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
