What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
