Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
