I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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