so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
