Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
