Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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