i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
