dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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