ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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