non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
