Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
