The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
