Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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