if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
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I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
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just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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