Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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