Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
