We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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