It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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