i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
