You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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