you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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