The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
