Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
