I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
