i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
