Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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