I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
