I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
