what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
