having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
